i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
