My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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