The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
