Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
