I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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