Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
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