the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Randomize