Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
