i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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