I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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