Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my vag is so smooth its legendary
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
no. you can't hotbox the world.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
