so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
