When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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