you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
