WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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