just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
