two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
