I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
