Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
