it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
