Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
dude. I can hear the air.
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