I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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