I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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