All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
