Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
