apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
