K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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