I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
