Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
