i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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