i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
