when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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