Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
