he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Found the puke drawer
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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