God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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