I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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