Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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