I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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