Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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