i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
