You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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