Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
