Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
