I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
