we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
