I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
