I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
