Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
