Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
