I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
