the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
