dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
