he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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