It's like God shit irony all over that family
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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