His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
