wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Randomize
