Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
