So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize