oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize