I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
