You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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