Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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