It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
