Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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