You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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