So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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