You smell like a Billy Joel song
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
