Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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