I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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