I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
