Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
